I have said for years I am going to slow down. Well, I have, sort of. My teaching responsibilities are less demanding than they ever have been before. I haven't played on worship team for about two years, and my term as elder ended a few days ago. I'm not directing any plays or coordinating any events either.
The problem is that I don't have a good "slowing down" personality. When I rest I feel guilty. When I feel guilty, I look for something to assuage the guilt... which would be productivity and positive change (or failing that, at least something fun like playing Monopoly with Evan, though the little rodent beat me handily again today). I think I also take a lot of pleasure from ministering to people. Somehow it feels like family doesn't count in that arena, even though I know it does. Go figure.
We are having second thoughts about living in the country. The mortgage is brutal, the cost of heating is brutal, the daily commute to work/school is 22 miles one way, and just a few days ago two women collided with each other and DIED five minutes before Evan and I came through on our way to school that morning. They made front page in the PB, but we are still alive!!!
However, it got me thinking about the dangers associated with frequent commutes and the possibility of dying out there for no really good reason (how this fits with the sovereignty of God I still don't understand). And, dadgummit, if I'm going to die I'd like it to be for a good reason, not that I hit a patch of ice and slammed into the oncoming traffic. Both women who died were involved in different types of people-related/compassionate sort of careers. The definition of a tragedy.
So part of me thinks going back to town might be a good idea. The other part of me (that made a brief visit to a modest home in NE yesterday afternoon) felt my soul wither as I looked at the .15 acre yard and noted the other houses 20 feet on either side of the home in question. Please don't misunderstand. I'm perfectly comfortable with lower middle class. I've been there all my life, and actually nice surroundings make me a tad uncomfy. Why else would we always seek something that needs restoration or TLC? We could afford the basic rambler that needs pretty much nothing. What makes me uncomfortable is knowing that now I can step out into my yard and see the stars unimpaired, just as Abraham did. When the moon is visible, the beauty and solitude of it brings some melancholy to the surface of my being. God is so great and I am so fallen. Yet I continue to hope because of Him.
So it is hard to think about going back to neighborhoods and little concrete sidewalks which have to be shoveled because of city regulations. And neighbors who could become cranky because of something I say or something one of the boys does.
I hope for wisdom, but I guess I will just see what God brings into our path.
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I would like to point out that just because you live closer to work does not mean necessarily that you couldn't die in a senseless traffic accident, or for that matter in a senseless act of violence, senseless accident, etc. Sure, that 22 mile commute takes a lot of time - but that's one-on-one time you spend with your son. And when you get home, you get to look at God's majesty all around you, instead of "cookie cutter houses." Anyway, that's just my two cents' worth I thought I'd put in.
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